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My Delirious Mind
A Raging Inferno of Delight, Perplexity, Love and Torment!
 
1st-Jul-2009 04:55 pm - update
I finally had my air conditioner fixed today, which means we are going to have a cool and comfortable summer, even when it's over 100 outside. Ahhh. I'm glad for it. No more headaches, sweat, fans, and ice packs on scorching days.

All is fairly well. I'm trying to organize everything in the house while keeping costs down (not succeeding at the moment). I have reduced some of the clutter and I actually like organizing, once I get around to doing it. Once I settle into placing things here and there, it's sort of relaxing. It's the beginning it that I find a challenge. With the help of my maid, however, I am chipping away at it. I need to do a lot of work on the house, from painting, to filling in holes in the walls, and even maybe at some point changing the carpet upstairs. My house started off as a tear down but I've discovered over four years of living here that there was plenty room for more tearing down. Just at this moment, in fact, I hear crashing and banging in the kitchen area.

I know I used to post here a long time ago, relentlessly upset about so many factors in daily life. It was a struggle back then but it is not so much that way any longer. This place we live in is extraordinarily peaceful. It has a way of healing us and calming us every day. Over a long period (4 years), it really has had a profound affect on us. I can't be grateful enough for that. I guess the truth is that I'm not built for the ghetto... or something like that. I'm a high maintenance plant that only thrives under specific conditions. I'm not so sure I like that about myself but I'm able to admit it.

I'm taking a Stanford writing class at the moment while I wait for my dissertation topic to be approved and accepted by one particular teacher that I would like to serve as my committee chair. G. is thriving. We pretty much live with the fact that he has ADHD and I'm always suspecting something like Asperger's, though I'll likely never concede to it. He's happy, I think, and things are moving along on multiple levels from his education to home life to sports participation and friends. He's not a typical kid but he's wonderful in so many ways and I think he'll do just fine in life.

I'm still not in a romantic relationship. It's been years and I'm clearly reluctant or adverse to it. I know I value relationships and I yearn for the idea of love but I've got some serious issues to work through, obviously. I have decided that writing will be my pathway to rediscovery of love - a healthy, happy, wholesome love that is beneficial and meaningful. It's satisfying for me to allow myself that space and time until it develops properly, including the means by which I'm exploring it. I think I'm a lot more balanced than I was in the past, a lot more compassionate toward people, and in general much higher functioning than I was than 4+ years ago and beyond. I've grown a lot. I'm still a drama queen on occasion but ... only on occasion.

I can't believe I'm still writing in livejournal!
2nd-Dec-2008 12:03 am - cackle
Tonight was the last night for the Writer's Digest short short competition. The winner gets $3000, so I was thinking, what the hell, I may as well give it a shot. Except I worked on my website for the last 6 weeks or so instead, at least until 11:25 tonight. That's when I decided to start writing my short story.

I finished at 11:58 p.m., and in 2 minutes, I managed to fill out the submission form, run to my car and grab my wallet, run back and fill out my credit card info and submit it.

833 words of pure audacity.
9th-Nov-2008 10:54 pm - Update
I should update what's going on with me, in general. I am currently on leave of absence from school until January, which has been a nice rest for me so far. It serves as an opportunity for me to devote myself to helping G. academically in school and with his various activities while I recharge my inspiration and motivation to continue working toward my long term goals. I have reframed my doctoral studies in psychology toward the study of dreams. I record my dreams nightly, more or less, based on the quality of my dream recall. I spend the majority of my time and effort trying to keep my daily activities organized and manage my mind and responsibilities as well as spending quality time with G. Life seems to be a continual, practical balancing act but I'm always observing the creative art of it. I see my psychologist once per week. I read. I write short stories (or parts of them). I am writing for NaNoWriMo but I'm way behind in word count. I'm in the process of peer reviewing a scholarly journal article. I'm attending a regular seminar on phenomenology taught by Amadeo Giorgi. I am planning to be a teacher's assistant (T.A.) next quarter in the advanced topics in research: phenomenology class. I find my work in phenomenology and dreams exciting and invigorating. My cat, Snowflakes, is sitting behind me now on my pillow and sounds like he's going to barf on my head. That is not quite as invigorating.

I need to work harder on drinking more water and eating healthy. I need to get rid of the extra clutter in my house - act on it rather than just wishing it could get done at some future point in time. I need to lose weight. I'm going through a grieving process over a friend that was suddenly, violently killed this last Friday night. There are others who were closer to him. Those were the people who spent their days with him. As for me, when am I ever very social? I met him in 2006 and have enjoyed his presence and his personality, nonetheless. I thought about him frequently and looked forward to watching him progress and bloom on a personal level in this world. Honestly, he took me by surprise. I'm grappling with my weird personal way of grieving, especially under the circumstances, and trying to accept whatever form it comes to me.

I'm getting along with my family, particularly my dad. I would like to be financially self-reliant but that's not realistic, yet. My years up in the SF Bay Area have changed things in a positive way. I make my way through this point in my life with very few quarrels, if any, and mostly a sense of peace and goodwill that is shared with everyone I know. I am at the point where the relationship work I am experiencing with people is happening on a more subtle level, where consideration, etiquette, empathy, giving and receiving, humor, and play are all being fine tuned.
16th-Jan-2008 06:36 pm - marf
I used to post so much here... don't know why I'm lagging.
2nd-Jan-2008 04:04 am - my hair
I cut off my hair in a reckless fit of glee. I think tomorrow I'll dye what's left of it.
2nd-Jan-2008 01:47 am - fantasy
Speaking of sex...

I really wish I could have a threesome with Josh Duhamel and David Beckham. And then after a quick breather, Matthew McConaughey.
1st-Jan-2008 06:19 pm - female desire
According to a recent report on the new female viagra drug Libigel, one third of American women suffer from hypoactive sexual desire disorder. I looked up statistics elsewhere and found that two thirds of American women suffer from some type of sexual dysfunction. Those reports haven't been confirmed but it's not entirely shocking I suppose either.

I would venture to guess that the comparably unenthusiastic female libido is likely a myth once a few significant factors (such as astronomical rape statistics, child abuse/incest, and domestic violence) are considered. Those kind of traumas kill the libido. I'd think living in a phallocentric culture might also be a contributing factor since in general male pleasure is considered foremost. If that is the case and female pleasure is secondary and devalued, and furthermore all too often a woman's integrity is marred and she is debased as a whore in varying sexual circumstances while men are not, then it would make sense that female desire might decrease.

Pregnancy and fear of pregnancy and repercussions is one factor, surely. But I think if women were respected, sexual "dysfunction" would not be so prevalent. I personally have an issue with calling it dysfunction in the first place if it is an adaptive response to cultural and sexual degradation of the gender. Sexual dysfunction, as it were, rooted in a biological cause aside, giving a woman drugs like Libigel and teaching her to desire a partner that treats her badly or re-traumatizes her, albeit to purportedly decrease her "distress" makes me wonder where we're headed. After all, that distress may be caused by her partner's anger at not getting enough sex or threats that he will cheat on her if she doesn't satisfy him. So the medical community recognizes her distress and treats her so-called dysfunction. I wonder how prevalent a circumstance like that would be. I bet it's higher than we'd like to admit.
31st-Dec-2007 07:04 pm - griffins
Five people died last night in a violent car wreck by a drunk driver - mom, 36 and the rest kids, one an 8 wk. old baby being killed in a car accident last night. It's just unthinkable. I hope we can all get through this new years intact.

The mom's myspace page has a pic of the baby: Bethany Griffin and then My space memorial

They are strangers... but still, I cringe for the remaining family.


Happy New Year!
18th-Dec-2007 05:03 am - native american drum
My mom ordered me an 20 inch apache hand drum covered in buffalo skin today from a Native American drum maker. She said that she called them and requested buffalo skin. The drum maker remarked that she had only one piece of buffalo skin left, had wet it, and prepared to cut it into a 16 inch size when she felt a strange inclination to wait. Then my mom called and asked for a 20 inch buffalo skin. Anyway, I'm very excited and it sounds like my mom is excited too.

Years ago, my brother seemed to get into drum circles because he was following the Grateful Dead and I thought it was sort of interesting but not really. I wouldn't have spent hundreds of dollars on a drum. There were other better things to buy. I did buy a guitar a couple decades ago and really, I'm so lame with it. I took guitar lessons and couldn't play for the life of me. I seemed to have no talent. I didn't even really like the sound of it. I like the sound when someone plays it really well but basically, the simple sound of strings didn't really resonate with me. So, I've never considered myself a musical person and in some ways, while I liked the sound of the drum, I couldn't see myself playing it. I really do like Mickey Hart on drums but whether or not I would play them is a different matter. Admittedly, I couldn't even really see why people would want to sit in a drum circle. Besides my brother seemed to be doing it just to be a cool deadhead. There didn't seem to really be any passion and if there was, it was passing.

Then when I graduated with my Master's degree back in early 2006, we had our celebration at one of the student's houses and a number of people brought drums. I borrowed a drum and sat in the grass and started drumming. My friend Kate started dancing and others were drumming and dancing. G. was there and he was having a blast. I couldn't stop drumming. Others stopped drumming but a couple of us were inclined to keep at it. It was so enjoyable for me I was disappointed when people got tired and stopped dancing. I realized I liked drumming.

Back in 2005 when I visited Taos, I stopped by the drum company there and ogled at the drums. I was in native american country and resonated with them, momentarily anyway. So I figured if I ever did buy a drum, I'd buy it from Taos Drum co. Still, I put it off because they are expensive.

This last quarter in one of my classes - expressive art therapy - we were assigned one day to bring musical instruments to class. I brought a plastic rattle out of Gs playroom. It wasn't long until I dropped it in favor of playing Molly's native american drum. There were six of us in the class that day and we were assigned in pairs. One person would listen to the music played by the other. Two people went outside and four of us remained. We were expected to ignore the other pair which is likely why the third pair went outside, so as not to be disrupted.

I banged the beater hard on the drum and there was quite a bit of satisfaction in that (Molly, owner of the drum, was my partner, listening and watching)... then I realized that I (faintly) heard Nastasha's voice - she was in the other pair on the other side of the room - and that I must be drowning out her out with my strong drumming. I lightened up out of consideration for her and her partner. But then in that act, we were suddenly connected and aware of each other. Her voice was very beautiful and haunting. I very quickly got lost in my drumming, and Natasha was singing... our connection became a dance, and although we had been instructed by our teacher to mind our own individual expressions, Natasha and I seemingly could not resist connecting through the music. It was too tempting - we broke the rules, disregarded the teacher, and went wild with our music and voice for a while. I got so lost in it I completely forgot that I was in a room at my school and I forgot that there were people watching and listening. My drumming and her singing synchronized into a beautiful, moving melody that took us and those listening to a different, "timeless" place. I felt like I had some past life connection with Natasha, like we'd been in the same tribe 30,000 yrs ago. It was strange and beautiful. My drumming and her singing told a story of life, death and Spirit, at least in my mind. As a matter of fact, when I was drumming, to a great degree I lost connection with the act of my hand holding the beater and beating the drum. It became slightly unconscious and the vision I was experiencing took over. My hand worked the drum in a way that drove the vision, sometimes not in sync with my conscious mind, seemingly moving on its own accord, but in a way that worked perfectly. "Accidents" became part of the spontaneous rhythm of the melody, only adding richness to it. We were flying. Natasha and I alternately lead each other. It was spontaneous, an intuitive agreement without words, gestures, or glances. My eyes were closed. When we wound down to completion in perfect harmony and I opened my eyes, I felt a jaw-dropping sense of shock. I sure had a fresh (deep) respect for Natasha coming out of that. I suddenly saw her so much more for who she is than just that other person in my class. Now I think I finally understand the drum circles.

I am now getting a strong urge to have my own drum, of course, because I'm dying to repeat that experience if I can. I wasn't sure about finding an unknown apache drum maker and compared that with ordering something from taos drums, which is highly reputed. But then I thought, this is a shamanic type of thing and I don't know if ordering from some mass marketed drum co. will do it for me, so I went with the risk of the unknown. I am suddenly more hopeful given the intuitive nature of my drum maker (crossing fingers until it actually arrives). That seems to indicate that she truly cares about the quality of her drums down to having a spiritual/intuitive outlook on her connection with not only the drums but her customers. As far as I understand, it empowers the drum when it is given by a loved one. My mom is all too happy to provide. I'm beside myself really. It's plain. I ordered no painted design on it. I felt like painting an image on it would define something I wasn't ready yet to define for myself and the blank canvas nature of the drum would be better for my drumming at this point.
15th-Dec-2007 09:38 am - dying the sofa
I finally got around to dying my sofa cover!! At least, I finished the cover for my 1 1/2 size sofa chair. I haven't yet done the big sofa but I have finished the small square cushions. It came out SO perfect, I am completely shocked and delighted. I've dried the covers and put them on the sofa chair. It is beautiful deep lapis blue but bright at the same time. Very jewel-toned. It makes a world of difference to my living room. It was so much easier than I thought it would be and very economical. I bought my dyes and chemicals from dharma trading co. They sent my stuff out lightning quick and the shipping fees were very reasonable.
2nd-Dec-2007 05:59 pm(no subject)
The owl had to be euthanized.
21st-Nov-2007 06:05 pm - western screech
The owl did have some head trauma and will be treated for that, as well as hydrated tonight at the wildlife rehabilitation center. I received an ID# and can call back in a few days to see how she's doing and possibly join them if she is rehabilitated enough to be released. They won't be sure about potential internal injuries until they do an exam. I'm crossing my fingers for her recovery.
Kitty love:



Ah, home spa treatment (the life!):




Oh so good (yawn):

21st-Sep-2007 05:36 pm - mine
Last week I almost adopted this one:

See how he has one brown eye and one blue eye? I thought that was really cool because my cat Snowflakes has eyes like that. But when I took him out of his cage, he was uncomfortable being held and kind of clawed at my back to climb up on my shoulder, tensely. With regrets, I put him back and moved on.

Today I decided to stop by the Humane Society again. I was sort of bored and didn't want to put together my file cabinet. I was surprised to find a cute litter of kittens there. I decided today was the day to adopt... maybe. I've been hunting for about 6 wks and Huckleberry just cannot be replaced so I haven't chosen one. I always walk out. But today, I thought maybe. They stole my heart...

Initially, I had picked up two kittens who immediately started purring in my arms, "Cookie" and "Cupcake." The other were asleep and I didn't want to bother them. I ran out of time at the Humane Society and had to go run and pick up G. then hurried back. During that time, my heart became set on Cookie. This is Cookie:



I figured there was a chance someone may have adopted her and if that was the case, she wasn't meant for me then. So I stepped inside the adoption agency and horrified, discovered that a woman one person in front of me in the walk-in line (only since I walked out temporarily) was adopting her. I was in shock and disbelief. I got upset. I stomped (sort of, not really, but energetically, everyone in the room felt it). I pouted. The woman felt really bad. She said she was sorry but this was the one she connected with. Someone suggested the other cats were cute and I said "No, no.." put my head in my hands and walked out and sat down with my head in my hands outside in the waiting area. The new owner of Cookie came out and sat down. I looked up and I saw how tense she was during the adoption process. So I went into the adoption room, and I knew the other kittens were cute too. Maybe I would look at "Cupcake" again. I also saw "Sprinkles" and "Joey."

Sprinkles:
Joey:

Sprinkles and Joey are just obviously super duper cute but for some reason, I just couldn't quite let go of "Cupcake." I flipped a coin a few times and I know, when I flip a coin and want it to be another answer, I have my answer. So I picked Cupcake. It was a very difficult decision. I wanted all three. Joey reminded me of Tyggr and Sprinkles was so dainty and charming and gorgeous. Although "Cupcake" (I put it in quotes because this is not the name I would name her) had red, puffy eyes and looked grumpy and a little withdrawn, I kept coming back to her. I realized later that they had just given her a big dose of Advantage - flea chemicals, so no wonder. Poor little angel.

So I did it. I paid $175 for "Cupcake." I adopted this little one today into my family. She's mine. <3



I pick her up next week after she is fixed and microchipped.

Anyway, I talked to the new owner of Cookie and told her that I was happy for her, and thanked her for not giving into me when I was upset because she should feel good taking the kitten of her choice. She said her cat of 14 yrs had just died and she's lonely. She was a nice lady.



UPDATE: Oh well, looks like they removed the pics. Joey was adopted today too. I'm really surprised Sprinkles is still there. Good thing I don't have any more money.
19th-Sep-2007 08:20 pm - tarot




And what to do about it:




You are nearly finished with an arduous task. You may be exhausted, but the light at the end of the tunnel, like a beautiful sunrise, gives you the determination to see this through. Draw on your most basic instincts for the strength to finish what you’ve started.

7th-Sep-2007 01:10 am - Wrinkle in Time movie
I'm watching the movie A Wrinkle in Time. I guess it's low budget but I'm happy to see the story in visual. Why is Mrs. Which on PMS though? I don't remember her being an antagonistic type in the book.
1st-Sep-2007 08:19 am - hermeneutics
This textbook for my upcoming school yr sounds so harry potter: Hermeneutics Ancient and Modern (Yale Studies in Hermeneutics). All you'd have to do is change Yale to Hogwarts. Or something.
13th-Aug-2007 04:17 pm - Flossie
Back in 1992, I taped up my dorm window and slept through hurricane Iniki, though it veered over to Kauai and apparently wasn't strong enough to wake me up. I was in a couple hurricanes in Mexico as well back around... '86. I wonder how the islands will hold up to Flossie. I bet they'll be fine, for the most part.
11th-Aug-2007 08:57 pm - yay
I finished it and bounced. It's unbelievable!! Wow, that was so worth it. HAHA! The neighbors heard us screaming and laughing and came out from their fancy dinner party to watch. It bounces us so high and it's a real workout.
Holy FUCK. This 16 foot Magic Cage octagon trampoline is hard to put together. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. The website said it can be easily assembled by one person in 30 min. If you're the HULK!! It's taken me two days and ALL of my strength and determination. I'm sore, I've bled, I've cursed, I've been homicidal. LOL. That's not funny. Fuck this trampoline.

Ok, I'm almost done though. But I'm so weak I'm trembling from exhaustion. I don't think many females could have managed this. Putting on the springs is a NIGHTMARE.

In the picture below, the frame comes up to my hips, was heavy-duty galvanized steel and a total ordeal to put together. It was bent in the wrong shape from shipping. I got a steel splinter in my finger. I had to bend it back into shape by using it like a leg press. I had to go to the store and buy WD-40 because it wasn't fitting together even with all my weight pressed down on it. Then I had to hook the springs into the poles and attach the mat and net to the poles then hoist the poles into the frame. But I didn't have the strength to do that from the ground so I had to drag the contraption over to the porch railing, climb up on the railing and balance there as I pulled the poles back and hooked them onto the springs. Now there are 112 springs to attach the mat to the frame - with 450 lbs. of pulling power. I've done probably 70 or 80 springs and it gets increasingly harder. The mat is completely taught so that when you bounce on it, there's very little that gives. But how do you get it like that? With muscle. It has to be pulled taught. I'm going to look like Arnold by the time I'm done with this muscle building madness but I won't be surprised if I need some help from another adult. Who knows though. I thought I'd never get past the frame and I was eventually victorious over that. Maybe I will conquer the springs too.

I had to take a break and come in and mozey on the comp for a little while. I was seriously at the end of my rope physically. I was trying to pull springs from the mat to the frame and couldn't do it because my arms had weakened. I've been wearing gloves to protect my hands and found that was a good idea. Every spring takes not just all of my physical strength but mental willpower too... the gritting teeth fire in the eyes get-that-spring-to-the-hook kind of determination. I'll go back out in a few minutes. That's what makes that 1/2 hr. claim by one person so laughable. Really, they've got nerve to claim that.

6th-Aug-2007 01:30 am - ho hum
I can't believe it's already creeping up to mid-August and the weather has even gone chilly and windy, giving me the reminder it will be another season soon. But wait, where'd the summer go? I feel like I got steamrolled by time. All I wanted to really do was reduce my clutter. Did I do that? LOL. Tip of the iceberg.

I'm thinking, maybe it would be easier to have a man around. When I'm tired, and I've got no energy left, someone to take out the trash, pick those damn pebbles from the fish tank off the porch, and take the heavy stuff down to the garage. And while your at it, order a recycle bin, one of those big blue ones. We also need to clean out the garage. And organize the wires in the computer armoire. I don't even know what's under that pile in the laundry room. Eek.

Oh wait, I don't have a man. Maybe he'd be messy anyway. I suppose if I created the current clutter another person could create double the clutter.

I have achieved some objectives this summer. I put together 6 bookcases, organized a bunch of stuff into file folders, nailed a whole slew of eraser boards and bulletin boards to the walls around the house... um had two jacaranda trees planted, had the mulberry trees butchered (it's nice though to have the sunlight and breezes), decorated the garden with an ant statue that is carting crystals and I've fed the squirrels. Taking my 8 wk. Stanford writing class (1.5 weeks left).

I bought a membership to the Exploratorium and we've been going there a lot. Day trips to SF have been fun. We went to the spy shop the other day.

I was invited to a pool party and never even R.S.V.P'd, and I wonder why I'm not popular and have such a withering social life. But I have dear tapati coming tomorrow to child-sit and she's rather bright and sunshiney in my opinion. And Anne is coming for dinner on Tuesday. I'm going to help her with a paper (her doctoral qualifying paper) due this fall. I miss Huckleberry. I moped today.. and well, I mope probably every few days now. It's hard to not have him here in all his fluffy glory. I keep wishing he'd show up but I'm afraid that's ... not going to be the case. I miss Tom. I don't understand what happened with that but I guess when it all boils down I wasn't all that and a bag o' chips. So after allowing him to somehow make me feel worthless, I've been reading some A.H. Almaas. It's good reads for the soul, good reads.
3rd-Aug-2007 11:57 pm - novel critique of the beginning
Maria Hummel termed my novel beginning (first 15 pg sample) "ominous and electric." I love that. I know it's crap-ola, in as far as it's just a very rough start but I love that - ominous and electric. How cool. :D

She sort of imagined it was more ominous than it was but that's okay. It is ominous, very. But she thought my main character was lying once when he wasn't.

I still chuckle when I see tapati's bland facial expression (in my memory) when I read out loud one excerpt a week or so ago when she visited (the first excerpt, not the second which you liked more and frankly I liked writing it more). Honest feedback is good feedback. In that instance I learned that I was stretching it out too long and boring and needed to cut it into chunks and add an omnicient (that's not the exact word is it?) point of view.

Another friend of mine said listening to my novel was completely distracting - she couldn't concentrate on the point. I laughed and said, "Welcome to the inside of my head!" But seriously, I read another classmates work and she did a lot of that and I was frustrated. I saw exactly what my friend meant. These are all good learning experiences.

I've been reading a Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine D'Engle for inspiration, since the characters in that book travel through a "Wrinkle" to get to an alternate reality or a planet in a far distant galaxy. This class has really helped me in so many ways because I'm learning how to critique works. I'm noticing things that I never did notice before about writing style, how to begin and end a chapter, metaphor, dialogue, etc.

I wish all I had to worry about was my Ph.D. upcoming in the fall and G.'s homework and things like that. The special ed/legal thing is going to be torment. I'm not looking forward to putting my novel down so I can pick up Wright's Law.
30th-Jul-2007 06:31 pm - Rachel Booth, 13 kills her father
In Pa., a 13 yr old girl, abused and living in squalor, shot her father in the face. The girl had been quoted as telling a neighbor she killed her father because she "couldn't take it anymore." She was charged as an adult. I have so much trouble understanding the logic of that. And although murder seems extreme, if she was willing to kill her caregiver as the only way to find relief from abuse, I have great sympathy for her.

I'm just thinking, perhaps she is glad to wake up safe in jail. No rape, no beatings, no whatever it was that drove her to shoot him.
25th-Jul-2007 10:15 am - best breakfast
The doorbell rang at 9 a.m. and a box was left at the doorstep. A dozen chilled and ridiculously delicious chocolate covered strawberries from berries.com. compliments of mom and dad.

Mmm mm! :0)
24th-Jul-2007 12:33 pm - indoor/outdoor pets and the wild
I sent an e-mail to the kitten adoption agency that adopted out Huckleberry to me and let them know the situation. I figured they should know because they raised him from baby to 10 wk. old kitten. Rescue agencies like to keep in the know so out of respect I notified them. I told them how upset I was and how special he was to me. I did not tell them that I had negligently left him outdoors (rather than he accidently snuck out) nor that in all likelihood as a result, he got chomped by a coyote. Some info is just better left unsaid.

Anyway, I got a kind of harsh response chastising me and that's it. I don't really appreciate the chastisement, though I probably deserve it. The chastisement was patronizing, I suppose. Cat rescuers and lovers they may be, but I know they cannot be even a tenth as upset as I am. I don't know what the fuck they think they're teaching me, as if losing my cat isn't enough and I need their finger waggling to really drive it home. I assume they'll never let me adopt a kitten ever again. Their response makes me slightly regret telling them but at least I was honest. There's some value in that, I suppose. I guess I was hoping to get an empathic response.

I guess there are always many more places to adopt a kitten. To be honest, I'm reluctant. Young cats are difficult to keep within the bounds of the property. They take an excessive amount of supervision whereas older cats (Hickory and Snowflakes) have wizened up after a couple run ins with outside forces like dogs and really tall trees and have just relegated themselves to the backyard, to the roof, and to other nooks and crannies that keep them safe.

I can't see how I'd be considered a terrible, unworthy cat owner. My cats may be outdoor cats some of the time but they are the most spoiled, pampered, loved felines on the planet. I doubt they would complain. The outdoor/indoor dilemma is controversial, I'm aware of that. My belief is that although the outdoors are a risk, the cats simply love to lay in the lush green grass. They love to curl up at my feet as I read a book and chase lizards rather than longingly stare out the window for hours. How can I deny them the sunshine? I have an acre - not some little apartment in a dense urban environment - and most of the time, they are safe and absolutely blissful pouncing and playing around the pool. Each looks exceptionally healthy and vibrant, as far as cats go.

Huckleberry's death was essentially preventable. It wasn't necessarily because he's an indoor/outdoor cat but because my attention/guard lapsed. The dark force of nature seems to have taken advantage of that lapse. If I had of been more connected and more aware, that lapse would not have occured. So are the outdoors to be blamed or am I to be blamed? I didn't kill and eat Huckleberry but it's my fault nonetheless. He'd be here if I had of locked him in the house before I left for S.F. that day, and by all means, I should have done that.

The coyotes probably waited for me to leave for the day. I know wild animals do that and coyotes are intelligent. Whenever I come back from Yosemite each year, I've got deer squatting in my yard, or something comparable. They know when I'm gone. I left for the day, didn't lock my cats up, and you can imagine the coyote were like "Woo hoo!" I'm gone so infrequently, that I didn't think of that. Yes, I should have and the reminder ended up being an exceptionally painful one. Another example of how my awareness of the wild lapsed - that's what predators rely on.

If I am to be blamed, does that mean I do not deserve another chance, despite the fact that there are innumerable needy kittens? Here's the really important question - does the outdoor risk outweigh the benefits? I really have thought long on this and even now I think the outdoor risk is worth it, at least in my case where I have a fenced acre. I bet you many kittens are adopted to "safe" little apartments where they spend the majority of their time cooped up and alone. And by standard protocol, that's considered an acceptable cat life. I would like to put up coyote roll bars all around the property and get it fenced properly, both to keep the cats in and the coyotes out but that's an expensive endeavor and pretty much a long term objective.

Furthermore, I can't say I'll never lose another cat to an outdoor risk but all in all, living here, getting treated like (or better than) a human, rolling in the flowers and eating the occasional Boston Market rotisserie chicken isn't the average cat's worst fate. Hickory, who is 9, and Snowflakes, who is 13 would attest to that if they could speak English. As a matter of fact, Snowflakes is here right now, purring in my face and watching me type, so there.
21st-Jul-2007 09:29 pm(no subject)
I found what looked exactly like coyote tracks leading from the spot where Hux loved to roll on the ground out front. Makes me want to get a loaded shotgun and start hunting. Grumble. All I can say is... probably a good thing I don't actually OWN one.
21st-Jul-2007 01:41 pm - murmur
My neighbor Richard said that about 4 nights ago, 10:30 p.m. (the night I was gone to S.F. otherwise I definitely would have heard it), a pack of coyotes was howling loudly and it sounded like it was out on our cul-de-sac in front of my house. The one night I'm frickin' gone. That really gets under my skin.

I've gone back in my mind and thought and I just can't remember seeing Hux greet me at the door when I got back from S.F. that night, around 10:30 or so. I know I shouldn't beat myself up but I really, really wish I had of driven home after dinner while it was still light instead of going for a twilight tour of Pacific Heights. If only...

sigh.

My mom told me to accept the loss and try to move on and I started sobbing. Then she suggested would I like another kitten? She said she would fly up here and go shopping for one with me. She realized how upset I am and said I could talk all I needed. It's hard for anyone to listen to me, I know. I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about it.

On the bright side, this muggle received her Harry Potter book via owl today. I wish I could just read it instead of this stupid, painfully boring Easter Island novel assigned by my class. Easter Island makes me want to burn books.
21st-Jul-2007 12:51 am - regret
You know what. If I had only locked Hux in the house before I went to S.F. and made sure he stayed in that night, he'd be here now.
20th-Jul-2007 11:36 pm - coyote/cat
I read a blog responding to this and no one could understand the rhyme or reason of it. I disagree... and as bad as I feel, this actually made me smile. It happened a long time ago but I just liked reading it. Some people really love their cats.
17th-Jul-2007 11:40 pm - Hux
I am really truly stressed and lost with Hux. He's the cutest most wonderful little fluff ball. Ow. :(
17th-Jul-2007 05:19 pm(no subject)
Mehhhhh. Meh. Mehehehehehe.
Oh my God, ow?
6th-Jul-2007 01:30 am - The mad screw
I saw this little gold screw on the stairs leading down to the living room and walked around it once or twice. I didn't pick it up because I was lazy but I did mark it as there in my mind.

Then I stepped on it barefoot walking down the steps tonight in the dark. It hurt. I immediately withdrew my weight from that foot and said, "Ow fuck" or something like that. The screw was stuck to the bottom of my foot, wedged into the skin. It didn't break the skin but it had been pressed into it so I had to shake my foot to get it off as I was stepping down the stairs. It flew and hit the floor.

I already had some momentum going so the same foot that I shook off the screw kept going and I finished my step.

I stepped on the screw again.

What does it all mean?! There is hidden meaning in everything and the screw must be telling me something!

Maybe I should go to bed and get some sleep.
2nd-Jul-2007 06:32 pm - Libby freed from prison sentence
Bush, the guy who has had no problem executing one person after another, pretty much let Libby off for his criminal conduct in the Plame case. It's a matter of using presedential power to let your buddy off the hook. It's offensive. I can't wait until Bush is a figment of history.
2nd-Jul-2007 03:18 pm - PETA's letter to Michael Moore
Is this for real? The PETA letter

PETA wrote to M. Moore: "Although we think that your film could actually help reform America’s sorely inadequate health care system, there’s an elephant in the room, and it is you. With all due respect, no one can help but notice that a weighty health issue is affecting you personally. We’d like to help you fix that. Going vegetarian is an easy and life-saving step that people of all economic backgrounds can take in order to become less reliant on the government’s shoddy healthcare system, and it’s something that you and all Americans can benefit from personally."

I guess whatever it takes to get his attention - shock him and he'll do a documentary on animal butchery? - but I'm amazed that fat-bashing is such an accepted sport in America. Meat is low carb and eaten via the Atkins method, it can make you lose weight, so I'm having a hard time making PETA's connection. Particularly given the moral foundation inherent in PETA, making a weight issue out of a formal letter is just strange as hell.
30th-Jun-2007 11:11 pm - The Size of the Moon
So the moon is supposed to appear the biggest now as it rises low in the sky than any other month in 2007. The news claims that it is a trick of the brain that we perceive the moon as bigger when it is lower than when it rises in the sky because we perceive things as farther away on the horizon. Last time I read that was a theory, not a fact. What I am curious about is if that is true, then why do we all perceive it as biggest this month in particular? Why isn't it just as big all the other months too?
22nd-Jun-2007 10:33 am - spanish
Even though I took 4 yrs of Spanish in high school/college or something like that (and well, admittedly barely passed), I can barely remember a thing. My maids and the gardeners speak only spanish. I need a program for learning spanish for everything related to the house and garden. That would be so useful.

The gardener is planting two big ol' blue jacarandas today. One will be by the pool. It's going to grow and be stunning in the garden. I'm so excited. And I got them wholesale.
21st-Jun-2007 02:09 pm - Grrplob
One of the joys of being a woman - feeling like roadkill about every 28 days.

Feeling like one cannot move - one must lay down - in only a certain position - because one has no energy, is dizzy, has pain in the uterus, and generally does not want to do anything, nor eat anything.

Once one finds THE position, then one does not want to move again, ever. One just feels that motionless, thoughtless inertia is the One True Path.

One may drift.

And drool on one's pillow.

This is the essence of womanhood. Do not question it or disturb it.
21st-Jun-2007 10:12 am(no subject)
I resent people who expect me to keep appointments and be responsible!
15th-Jun-2007 11:19 pm - Hasslehoff
I just saw David Hasslehoff's drunken slurring cheeseburger ordeal. It's hard to believe he won sole custody of both of his daughters. It looks like they're the parents.
15th-Jun-2007 11:27 am - International Mental Disorders
I was reading an article somewhere about how Iranian women are considered "antisocial" if they wear their head scarves too far back or wear any kind of lipstick. For this antisocial behavior they can be arrested and thrown in the slammer.

When I read that, it made me wonder at the term "antisocial" and how we characterize mental disorders based on what is acceptable to society. In fact, mental disorder doesn't always mean some chemical imbalance that makes it hard for a person to function. Instead, sometimes it's just that a person isn't a conformist or isn't compliant enough to whatever given standards and that can get quite out hand if allowed, such as a woman being "antisocial" for not complying with strict dress code determined by men.

I was surprised going through the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-9-2007) and flipped to the mental disorders section. Emotional disturbance is there and it is not in the American DSM-IV.

Another one is academic underachievement disorder. Or how about this one - Relationship problems disorder, specifically sibling jealousy. Or how about misery and unhappiness disorder?

Interestingly, there is gender identity disorder for children but it's only for boys who are too feminized, apparently. It says nothing about tomgirls. If a boy wants to be a girl, his brain is diseased.

There's a disorder/disease called ego-dystonic sexual orientation, specifically ego-dystonic lesbianism. I wonder what that means? And then there is Trans-sexualism.
6th-Jun-2007 05:00 pm - Finished school year
I finished all my work on time, finished the quarter except for one more aikido class on friday, so I'm really quite relieved. Another year under my belt. Now I'm really excited to get started on my Stanford writing class this summer with Maria Hummel - my teacher. I opted for a letter grade. Brave, I am.
26th-May-2007 10:52 pm - Wizard's Hideout by Barbara Butler
I saw this playhouse at the Stanford mall the other day. It is SO dreamy! I wish I was rich so I could win it at auction on June 2nd. It's even better in person. The detail is very impressive and imaginative, from stained glass windows, to the colorful twirling glass wind thing on the top, to a carved pewter owl on the other side. Inside, the first floor is well decorated and has a little carved wooden table that is exquisitely colored and decorated with a crystal ball on it, chair and bookcase. There is a ladder leading to a second floor, I believe, probably with a little bed or chairs. Then there is a little jail cell with bars on the bottom floor (see door and padlock next to girl's left arm). If I never make enough to buy this for my kid/s, present or future, then if I have grandkids, granny's gonna splurge.

19th-May-2007 12:31 pm - Misogyny in the name of Allah
I just watched a video of a 17 yr old Iraqi girl getting stoned to death by a CROWD of men, a few including her family, with 3 police officers looking on and doing nothing about it.

What is most disturbing besides the waste of life of an innocent girl, and the nauseating misogyny of it, is that a crowd of men are so EAGER for violence against any girl/woman they can get their hands on, and none of them have the integrity to try and get others to stop. One of them dragged her into the crowd in a headlock. What on Earth was he thinking? Probably a family member, dragging his own sister or daughter, or whatever, into a crowd of depraved killers, and letting her go. What kind of human being is that?

It's a progressive thing; she doesn't die suddenly. She tries to get up, is knocked down with a bloody face, kicked in the face, etc. A few of them film it with their cell phone cameras. The draining of life, the spilled blood, the death and morbid destruction is nothing more than entertainment for them. Perhaps like a sport. I wonder what was happening in their minds, why their values are not life affirming but so full of hate. She won't wake up tomorrow or the next because MEN decided she wasn't worthy to wake up, her value that much denigrated.

Sigh.
18th-May-2007 06:27 pm - The new pill
There's a new contraceptive pill coming out that "suppresses" the menstrual cycle "indefinitely." I'm almost disturbed by that, despite abhorring my period.

Which reminds me, I got free condoms, Nu-something or another rings, and Plan B, all free from Planned Parenthood today. After I had a cold metal instrument shoved up my vagina "spread your legs...relax, relax, your cervix is way down low" - toodles to my dignity, in the name of health - and the doctor kneaded my breasts while chatting about whatever, while I tried to keep a straight face. The doctor asked, you want this, that, the other thing? Uh... sure, sure, YES. She was my age, someone I might see at the store... and she had her rubber gloved finger up my vagina. I'm so disturbed.

They even gave me a state-sponsored card so I can get free stuff in the future. I'm a single mother student living off of my parents, what can I say? They don't want people like us breeding all over the place.
7th-May-2007 09:41 pm - mystery.. back of my mind
I'm trying to remember the comic drawings website that were stick figures in drawings reflecting readers' submitted quotes, ie. "You're love is killing me" and there would be a stick figure running from a monster or something like that. I think the web address had the word dog in it? There were robots involved. Ring a bell?
1st-May-2007 11:22 pm - doh...
I just realized something when I was looking over my recently returned doctoral qualifying paper. I forgot to put my name on it. Maybe when I turned it in, Paula marked my name on it for me. Nice work, Slick.

That's right up there with not knowing which car is mine in a parking lot.
22nd-Apr-2007 02:22 pm - This guy should play the lottery
Drunk Man Emerges OK From Under Train
Reuters
BERLIN (April 17) - A drunken man who fell under a train after being jolted out of a nap at a railway station emerged unscathed from beneath the locomotive.

The 19-year-old had fallen asleep on the station platform in Cologne but was startled by the incoming train. Losing his balance, he fell in front of the locomotive, police said.

"According to the man he fell exactly between the two tracks and just felt a light knock on the head," Cologne police said in a statement.

The shocked train driver pulled the emergency brakes only to see the man emerge unaided from under the engine. He was taken to hospital for observation.
17th-Apr-2007 08:05 am(no subject)
I didn't lose weight all month - well one pound. Then I ate a bunch of homemade brownies last night and woke up 2 lbs lighter!
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